The "death" question

In the past two weeks, two sudden deaths have occurred that have been both in my community, and affecting my community.

And so the "death" question has come up again for me.

"Why?"

When I first heard of each death that was the first question that popped up in my mind. And so I quickly asked others who might have more information... "Why?"

And yet, I found that my question wasn't satiated with information.
"Why?" continued to be the question on my heart as I tried to wrap my mind around these young and sudden deaths. There is a deep and existential "why" that occurs when we realize the evanescence of life.
As Joan Chittister says in her book There is a Season, "The function of the death of the self is to throw a thousand question marks across the sky."

I won't try to answer the "death" question, because I don't have the answer. I think any attempt at answering is an insult to those experiencing the loss. It is a question that comes from deep loss, and that must simply be allowed to be.



So, if there is death, the kind of death that can come when we've just begun our life's work, or are just finishing our degrees... then my new question is a "life" question.

"How?"

How can we live in a way that makes this brief life worthwhile?

The answer that I've discovered so far is this:
Life becomes worthwhile when we live not afraid of little deaths within ourselves.

If we live without a fear of personal deaths, we will enable ourselves to die a hundred little dyings that allow us to live more fully, and better the world.
We must be willing to risk ourselves for the betterment of the world - for ourselves, and those beyond us!

Joan Chittister also says this: "Tomorrow can triumph only when we can put to death in ourselves everything that is not life-giving today... We cannot rise until we are willing to die a little."


If my life is to end as swiftly as I have seen others end, there are many things within myself that I hope will have died already:

• My desire to please others which can compromise my convictions into conformity.
• My fear of rejection by those who I want to love and be loved by, that freezes me into passivity.
• My acceptance of social rules like "women need to be a certain way" or "you're too young to be significant in society", or "you need to be in a romantic relationship with one primary person in order to have value," which are all lies.
• My tendency to trust the laws and rules given to me by authority because I don't want to get in trouble.

I wonder if our country could be a better place if it too asked the question "What would we want to die within us before our country died?"

This reminds me of Ani Difranco's song Subdivision. In it she asks, "What will it take for my country to rise?"

Many little deaths. Many unknown paths being tread.
Courage to have the death of what is not life-giving be a part of life.

Chittister says,
"Dying is one of life's most difficult processes, however.
Its demands sap the soul of all our old rationalizations,
all our well-used excuses for saying one thing but doing another,
all our pretenses at a goodness that is more social etiquette than social virtue.
It cuts us off from the very things that have brought us to the point of where we are.
When we begin to die to things in ourselves that once were time-honored and socially acceptable,
the danger is, of course, that when the process is over we will no longer even know ourselves...
Every little death we die turns us into something new and washes us up on the sunlit shore of a different psyche, a person called by the old name but unknown even to ourselves."

So, what do you want to die within you?

 In the words of Socrates, "The unexamined life is not worth living."



And so I am brought back to the recent deaths of two beautiful people. What is so tragic about these deaths is that these women did not fear the little deaths within them. They defied social norms by working in prisons, and with the homeless. They loved others and pursued a better world.

They lived lives worth living, and for that I am grateful.

The Pulse of God

A portion of Rumi's poem, "Okay, I'll Do It."

How can you look so needy - 

God is growing in fields you own.

He hangs from trees you pass

every day. He is disguised as

that peach and pine cone.

Every sound I hear - He made it.

This is so easy to see and hear in the majesticness of New Mexico, and seemingly harder in the developed world of Silicon Valley, California. And yet, this pulse of God is rhythmically vibrating beneath the asphalt under our feet and hanging from the carefully planted trees that line the sidewalks.

and again!

Welp, I've moved again.

Geez. Unless you've only got one pack on your back, there is no way that moving won't be a pain in the butt. Alas, once it's all done, there is a flood of relief.

Now it's time to find some favorite activities and hang outs in my area. And with out a car - no less!

Wish me luck.

Christ in the Desert Monastery

This has been my first super busy weeks at Ghost Ranch. I was working with a youth group that came in, preparing their reflections and themes for the week, in addition to my normal chaplain worship responsibilities. It has been great!

I had a wonderful break through experience this morning. I lead a small group in Contemplative Worship and found out that not only can I lead myself in contemplative meditation, but can lead others as well. A 7am service is certainly out of my "normal life" comfort zone, but it was pretty darn comfortable!

Perhaps it was because I was so tired that I was able to do this.  Kind of like how they say being relaxed when you're in a car accident can save your life. Maybe?

After that we took the youth group on a three mile pilgrimage to Christ in the Desert Monastery. The experience was wonderful. We spent some time talking about what a pilgrimage is and can represent, and spent the last mile in silence as we approached the monastery.

Brother Andre (from Connecticut originally) gave us a tour. He has been there for 30 years and has a down to earth and humorous personality. I would love to get to spend some more time in conversation with him, but alas, the monastery has a pretty strict schedule to their Benedictine days!

The brothers there brew their own beer and I plan to pick it up when I go to Santa Fe this Sunday. Shout out to Cameron Highsmith and Jeff Ferguson, the SFTS Brewers.

At the Ranch

Well, I'm here at Ghost Ranch in NM. It's been two days, and has felt like a week! The days are packed so full I can barely remember what I did this morning.

Things to know: I have very limited cell service so texts are easiest! I only have internet in one building on the Ranch so I will try to update about once a week.
My address here is:
Marissa Danney
Ghost Ranch
HC 77 Box 11
Abiquiu, NM
87510

I would love to receive notes from you, I will save them and make a mosaic of mail on my wall! This helps me to feel connected to you. :)

Now... for the landscape!

Ghost Ranch is pretty high up in terms of altitude, so at this point I'm still getting acclimated. Lots of water and I'm jonesing for some Vitamin C!

More to come as I discover what my chaplain's life is like.

You know you're homesick when...

... you're planning a little overnight adventure somewhere that you've never been before. You start making a list of things that you'd like to experience... a small town, removed from where you currently are, nice restaurants, nature, live music, water. Suddenly you realize.... you're describing your hometown of Nyack, NY. Oh dear.

Ok, we're not talking about you, we're talking about me.
I did this.

The good news is that there are other awesome places besides Nyack, and one of them is Jenner, CA. It may not have had all of the things listed above, but it had some things that Nyack does not have. Like the Jenner Inn. Or, the russian river meeting the ocean... swallows and humming birds all over the place... crazy looking flowers... I'll just tell the story in pictures:

 And in the end, it was all A-OK.

Balance This.

Well, hello! It's been a while!

Perhaps the next few thoughts will explain why.

I (fairly) recently had the opportunity to see Children of Uganda during their Tour of Light.
Their dancing was amazing, the natural harmonies of their singing was amazing, their costumes were beautifully-amazing! Everyone was blown away and reverent for these children and their rich culture.
Then... the show stopping moment came when they didn't just put one ceramic pot on their head and dance, but they continued to dance as pot was stacked onto pot and a tall totem poll was amazingly resting on their head as they swayed and stomped to the music. AMAZING.

Ok, so this truly is amazing. It is a talent! But, I began to wonder if the reason we Americans are SO blown away by this is because we speed everywhere. We are constantly on a schedule, on a time crunch. America, the land of Get-Everything-Done-As-Fast-As-You-Can. Produce! Produce! Produce!
We have cars, each of us has a laptop, we have cell phones, we have express lanes. The bigger the better, the faster the better!

I remember my first day at Maria Luisa. I was 13. I couldn't believe I had landed this awesome (not to mention first ever) job.
I got to work. It was explained to me that I could help another employee to check in some sweaters that had arrived. This involved checking each sweater for any imperfections or damages.
MISSION ACCEPTED.
I checked each one of those sweaters so thoroughly, yet so quickly. It was my job (or I thought I'd lose it) to do the most work, as well and as quickly as possible or my eighth grade butt would be kicked to the curb.

Now, back to the pots on your head. I'm convinced that we find this balancing act (literally) so mind blowing because we subconsciously picture ourselves trying to balance pots while we run to the car, search for our keys and speed out of the driveway. Yes. Having a pot on your head at this pace would be quite impossible. Not to say that it's easy, but when you are walking somewhere instead of speed-wobbling, it's potentially learn-able.

I also remember a year (or is it now 2?) ago when I was managing Maria Luisa Gifts and Accessories version. Every day I had a list of around 10 things to do. I always felt like it was impossible to complete the list, because 5 more things would be added every time I completed two.
You may think that because of this, I would have been brain to the list and un-interruptable. Yet, there was one thing that I permitted to be interrupted by and that was interactions with other people. Relationships. This could have been my employer, employees, and definitely was customers.

So, I ask myself now: In this very busy seminary life, when I (yet again) constantly have a list of things to do and can't seem to get rid of the list, what do I allow to interrupt me?
Not much. But that means I can't learn how to balance pots on my head.